Let's talk food.

Twinkies, baby.

I grew up on those American comics with Archie and Reggie and good girl blonde Betty and hot bad girl Veronica. For some reason, they were always eating Twinkies. This led to an overwhelming desire to taste those oh-so-appealing cream filled sponge cake snacks. I can, however, remember even back then wondering how the cakes were able to be eaten out camping and at sports games and always kept in cupboards and yet were still not sources of food poisoning. Living in a hot NorthWest town made me very aware of the potential for salmonella or listeria contamination, something which has stuck with me all my life.

I've discovered the answer though. It's because Twinkies aren't actually made out of any basic ingredients which might be normally said to constitute the definition of 'food'. There's a lot of synthetically powerful stuff in them there creamy sponge cake snacks. Crude oil, for all I know, definitely corn syrup, the usual array of emulsifiers, transmogrifyers (is that a word?), consolidators, addictivizers, probably meth as well. But to balance it all out, the health authorities of America had added vitamins A and D. I am not making this up.

I took the first bite; waited for that awesome burst of flavor (see, no 'u'. I can spell in Yank these days!). Gagged and tried not to spit it out. The distaff side was awaiting this reaction with amusement, as he had told me that I wouldn't like Twinkies.

I struggled and swallowed it down with difficulty. The creamy centre was oily and disgusting and slimy on the tongue. The sponge cake outside was both dry and damp and tasted exactly what I would imagine a sponge floor mop would, both in texture and flavour, if I had ever had the desire to taste one. After the mouthful had gone I couldn't believe my own reaction. Surely I had been a trifle negative in my reaction? It couldn't really be that bad. Maybe I should try again, just to make sure.

I tried again. And again. And again, in a frantic trial of optimism over experience. After bite number four I was done. I used beer as a mouthwash to get rid of the taste of rotting dog and to slough the layer of slime off my lips.
So, no more Twinkies ever.

But next time around, in the food category, you get Soul Food. Oh my. I could live happily ever after with that my only vice.